Parenting Pointers: Freedom and Responsibility
- Tasha Milligan
- 5 hours ago
- 6 min read
Parents often struggle to find the balance between giving their children what they want and setting limits. Some parents are more comfortable giving their children freedom, while others struggle to do so. While we often think of it as giving more freedom as children grow older, the practical reality is that it is more of a dance. We give freedom, then pull it back in when the child is not showing responsibility.
The key is that freedom and responsibility go hand in hand. As a child shows responsibility in an area, they are ready for more freedom. When they are irresponsible with the freedom they have been given, it is time to pull back that freedom until they become more responsible. It is always a give-and-take, casting out and reeling it back in until the child is ready and mature enough for the freedom they desire.
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Child's Desire for Freedom
Children will have a natural desire for freedom for new things as they grow older. Every developmental stage that children go through opens a new door of discovery that they are inclined to pursue. This is part of natural development. However, sometimes they want freedom before they mature and demonstrate responsibility for it. For instance, babies often enjoy climbing stairs but could be seriously hurt if they fall. The freedom to climb stairs would be granted only when an adult can help them. However, once they are older, they can climb on their own with no assistance.
As children grow and master new skills, it is good to offer a bit of freedom (within reason) to see what they can do with it. If they show responsibility with it, allow the freedom to remain. If they make poor choices or are careless, they need supervision and instruction before they are granted freedom. There will be times you need to say no to their desire for freedom, and dealing with disappointment is part of growing up. Your best bet is to explain what signs of maturity you are looking for and how long you need to see them in place before the freedom is granted. Remember, if freedom is given and your child does not consistently demonstrate responsibility, it is OK and necessary to take away the freedom until they consistently demonstrate responsibility.
Baby Steps
Parents often struggle with boundaries due to all-or-nothing thinking. Either a child is old enough and responsible enough for a phone, or they aren't. They are old enough to stay home without parents, or they aren't. This can lead to deep frustration and failure for all involved. An alternative view is to offer freedom in incremental stages.
To hand a child a cell phone with no restrictions can be a recipe for disaster. However, allowing supervised play time in small increments or allowing a text conversation on a parent's device can slowly introduce them. When they are ready for their own device, it should come with secure parental controls, app limits, and tons of supervision. As they show maturity, restrictions can be gradually removed. I am an advocate for all parents to regularly check their children's phones and devices, regardless of maturity. The dangers are real, and even the most responsible children can struggle with boundaries. When in doubt, wait to introduce the phone!
Another example would be when to leave children home alone. When you feel they are ready, start with a very short, small trip. This might be while you go for a walk around the block or a quick trip to a convenience store. Sometimes, ten minutes can feel like an eternity for a child who changed their mind as soon as you left! If all goes well, you can gradually increase the time you are away and the frequency with which you leave your child at home. However, if you return and find your house trashed or the kids fighting, you know more work needs to be done before you try again.
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Learning Opportunities
Your children will mess up. They will experience failure, as we all do. It's part of life, and it should be expected. The way that you respond to their failures will form how they view themselves and how safe they feel in their relationship with you. Instead of being critical and blowing up on them when they mess up, consider it a learning opportunity. They will get another chance to get it right, but it might take some time. Here are some key pointers to help make the learning opportunities successful:
Step 1: Keep your emotions in check. If you find out your child has done something bad, deal with your own emotions before you confront your child. Your anger will not produce the results you desire in your child. Process it as long as you need to before you address it with your child so that you can remain in control of your emotions. If you start to get upset when confronting your child, walk away and bring it up again later.
Step 2: Make your child think about it. Don't do all the work for them. They need to figure out what they did wrong and how to make things right again. If you spell it all out for them, they miss out on the opportunity to grow from it. Allow them to process the situation, consider what went wrong, how it impacted others, and what needs to happen to make things right again. They should also consider what maturity is required before they can be trusted with freedom again.
Step 3: Empathy is key. You might be furious or terrified by what happened, but you must remain calm and empathetic for your child to learn and grow from the situation. This allows you to be a trusted advisor during the situation rather than a disciplinarian. It will build trust and provide a safe base for your child. If your child is stuck, you can ask if they want ideas. Just make sure to allow them to exhaust all their ideas first.
Step 4: Don't rescue. Pain produces change, but parents often struggle to allow their children to feel pain. Allow your child to press through the pain to learn and grow from the experience. If you set a standard that your child must have passing grades to go out on the weekend, do not cave in and allow them to go to a birthday party because you want to prevent pain. The loss they experience often motivates them to get it together at school. It will change their behavior so that they can go next time. **Take this with a grain of salt and be reasonable. As a parent, you will know how much to push and how much pain is appropriate. Remember, it's a dance, not a freefall!
Step 5: Make a plan and stick to it. We all get off track now and then, but we must learn how to get back on track. Your kids might need help establishing a plan to get to where they need to be. It can help to establish concrete, measurable goals. That way, they know for sure when they have met the goal. Also, be prepared to allow freedom again once the goal is met.
Step 6: Restore freedom. A mistake doesn't mean freedom is gone forever. Once your child has taken steps to make things right and has shown ample responsibility, try again. Giving another try is part of the process of getting them to where you want them to be.
Step 7: Repeat. It may take several (or more!) tries to get it right. Repeat this process as many times as necessary to help them get back on track and to grow in responsibility. Allow pain to do its work to bring about lasting change. With your empathy and support, your child will continue to mature and grow. They will eventually get there! Remember, children mature at different times for different things. Your child might be a brilliant student, but they may lack common sense. It's OK. Take as much time as you need. They will mature in some areas faster than others. It's natural.
Conclusion
While we often expect linear progress, parenthood can feel more like chasing your tail. Things tend to spiral more than anything. Just remember, you are in good company. All parents feel this way at times, and it is completely normal. Parenting is more of a waltz than a straight line drive. That is why it feels like forever to get to your destination! Hang in there! The work you are doing is making a difference. Repetition is what children need to learn.
I'd love to hear from you! What parenting secrets have you learned that have brought success? Have you had success with this freedom-and-responsibility dance?
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