Strategies for Ending Sibling Rivalry to Enjoy a Peaceful Summer

Tasha Milligan
Jun 20
8 min read

Summer is here, and kids are enjoying the freedom of being out of school. For some families, it is a carefree, fun-filled time of year. However, for many, it is a time of sibling squabbles, constant battles, and is full of stress, especially for parents. Kids are invading each other’s space and seem to bicker about anything and everything! As a mom, I get it. It can be rough. It doesn’t have to be that way. I’d like to offer some tried and true tips and ideas to settle down the chaos in the home and to make it a relaxing, enjoyable summer.

Boundaries

Poor boundaries will consistently lead to conflict. Children need to know where the limits are and what the consequences will be for failing to respect boundaries. Likewise, children need to learn how to set healthy boundaries with others and have the authority to enforce those boundaries. This can include personal space, having siblings respect their belongings, and setting boundaries related to being respected.

Something to remember is the needs children will have based on their personality type. If you have an extroverted child, they will need lots of social interaction to keep their emotional tank full. On the other hand, if you have an introverted child, plan downtime and places where your child can get away to recharge after social events. Most children will fall in the middle somewhere and need to find a balance between social events and quiet time.

The best way to teach your children how to set and maintain appropriate boundaries is to demonstrate it for them. Even if you don’t realize it, your children are always watching what you do. It might take them a while to understand and internalize it, but they are learning. If you struggle with boundaries, they likely will as well.

Here are some tips:

Create an off-limits space for each child where the siblings are not allowed to go. If the children share a room, it might mean making a line down the room to divide the space. Or, it might only be their bed. I have had families delegate the laundry room to a child who needed a space to escape. Regardless of where it is, kids who need alone time need a space they can count on.
Communicate boundaries and determine consequences. The boundaries should be clearly defined and communicated, and the consequences should be made known. For instance, you could say, “You are not allowed to enter your sibling's room unless invited in. If you do go in, you will lose TV privileges for 24 hours.”
Be consistent. If you see one child invade the space of another or disrespect a boundary, be consistent with implementing consequences. The only way boundaries work is if the consequences are enforced.
Help your children understand and communicate their need for personal space. Families will often have one child who wants constant physical touch and interaction and another child who wants personal space. It is important to be mindful of the needs of both children. The more children understand personality types, differences in love languages, and how everyone has different needs, the more they will be equipped to be more mindful of each other. Perhaps the child who wants space will offer more physical touch to their sibling, and the child who wants physical touch can look for it from other people to respect their sibling’s needs.
Create an environment of trust and respect. You get to set the culture of your home. If you allow hateful talking, aggression, and selfishness, you will struggle with conflict regularly. However, if you help your children work through conflict and find meaningful ways to engage with one another, it can be a happy, healthy space.

Quarreling Squirrels is a book and game to help children with sibling rivalry

Conflict Resolution

No matter how much you plan ahead and create a warm, safe place for your family, conflict will happen. Part of growing up is learning how to think through problems and come to a peaceful resolution with which everyone can be happy. As a parent, you often have to put on your referee hat to intervene when things get hot. The good news is that each conflict is a learning opportunity for your children to grow.

Conflict tips:

Find ways to compromise. Sometimes it can be hard to find win-win situations, but that should always be the goal. Kids can talk out how to share, take turns, make an exchange, or compensate each other in some way to bring peace to a difficult situation. The goal is a focus on clear communication and keeping emotions calm. Pro Tip: Never try to talk things out when emotions are high. Take a break and allow children to use their coping skills to calm down before trying to talk things out.
Redo’s: Never underestimate the power of a redo. If a child makes a poor choice and is hurtful, allow them to go back and try to redo the situation with a better choice. Depending on the harm they inflicted, they may also need to do something to make restitution.
Focus on finding the good in one another. This can include having family members share their favorite things about each other on a regular basis. It’s best to switch up prompts. Examples: What is your favorite memory with each family member? What is a personality trait you admire? What is an ability you appreciate about each family member? How does ___ bring joy to our home? I have found that families that are intentional about these conversations are more bonded and respectful of each other. Pro Tip: Play Be Heard in Your Herd game. It walks you through the process of identifying positive traits of family members, communicating needs, and finding ways to increase positivity in the home.
Recognize the “Crazy Train”. I wrote the Crazy Train book to help children recognize the revenge cycle and how to avoid going down the spiral of chaos that can come with lashing out in revenge each time an infraction happens. They can turn things around by doing acts of kindness and using positive conflict resolution skills instead. The game that accompanies the book helps children put together a plan of action.
Help children learn to respond instead of reacting to situations. It is often natural to react and have a big emotional response when things do not go your way. However, it leads to the other person reacting as well. This can get out of hand quickly and rarely gets resolved peacefully. The alternative is to stop and think before responding to a situation. This allows time to think through various solutions and recover from the emotional reaction to the situation before making decisions.
Work on emotional regulation. Emotional regulation is key to getting along and hearing others with empathy. I have TONS of articles, books, games, and resources to help children with emotional regulation. I recommend looking at the feelings games article, this article about coping skills, and how to stop the fight, flight, or freeze response.
Focus on positive communication. Children have to develop language to communicate their needs, feelings, and ideas to others in a way that is not offensive or off-putting. Consider how difficult this skill is for adults. It is much harder for children who are still developing language skills! Make time to play games, model appropriate communication skills, and get involved as needed to facilitate the process. Pro Tip: Feelings Candy Land is the perfect game to work on all of these skills!
Teach your children to make things right. We all mess up now and then. Your children will blow it and hurt someone's feelings at some point. However, it is an opportunity for them to learn how to use a proper apology to make things right again. It won't take away the hurt inflicted, but it can prepare them for working on restoring relationships. Here's a template:
1. I'm sorry that I _______________ (state what they did wrong).
2. I think it made you feel ______________ (name an emotion).
3. This was wrong because _______________ (it was hurtful, selfish, etc.)
4. I would like to make things right by ___________ (an act of service or an offering for restoration of the relationship.
An example might be: I am sorry that I hit you. I made you feel angry and sad. It was wrong because I hurt you. I want to make things right by doing your evening chores. Will you please forgive me?
This script goes beyond a simple apology and requires children to take responsibility for their behavior and do something to make amends. It can make a significant difference in how the injured party feels about the situation, and it helps kids think more deeply before they act.

Have a Plan

One of the most pleasurable things about summer break is the freedom to let your hair down and not have to keep a rigid schedule with many responsibilities. However, children usually do better when they have a predictable schedule. This does not mean you must fill every minute of the day or be ruled by the clock. It means considering your children's ages, their social and educational needs, and the family budget to determine how to plan your days out.

Another aspect of planning your summer is considering splitting up the resources your children will fight over. Who gets the game console and for how long? Who gets to invite friends over? Who gets to leave for summer camp? Dividing resources, from splitting up the budget for each child to making sure everyone gets their share of the snacks, is always a struggle.

Some helpful tips:

Create a daily schedule to help keep everyone on track. This should include an expected time for children to be out of bed and ready for the day, as well as bedtime. Maintaining circadian rhythms will keep your kids in a much better mood and can prevent unnecessary meltdowns.
Set limits for electronics. Kids love their game time, but studies show too much time in front of the screen can lead to significant problems. Device addiction is a real thing and can cause serious harm. Decide how much time you are comfortable with and how you will enforce the limit. There are plenty of apps and parental controls that can help with this.
Set an expectation for outdoor play time. There are so many benefits to outdoor playtime. Benefits include a reduction of anxiety, depression, and ADHD symptoms. It also helps in neurodevelopment and in learning. Children learn as they explore and interact with the world. Plus, the vitamin D they get from sun exposure is an added bonus.
Find a balance between individual activities and family time. Summer is a beautiful time of year to create memories and focus on family bonding. Being intentional about spending quality time with each of your children is vital for attachment and bonding. Children will get along better if they have intentional, positive interactions with each other. This might include playing games, going for family walks, movie nights, or any other positive activity that brings the family together.
Divide the workload. Each family member needs to take on some responsibility for the family chores. Even toddlers can contribute in their own way to help out at home (and this is a great age to start teaching them!) The important thing is to be clear about your expectations. Each child should be trained in their chores and know how to do them, when, and what happens if they fail to follow through.
Create space for learning. Teachers often encourage children to continue reading books and working on their skills during the summer. This can be helpful, but summer is also a great time to learn new skills. Perhaps pick up the guitar or take an art class. Kids may find their passion in life by trying new things.
Stay flexible. A schedule is more of a template to help everyone stay on track and accomplish what needs to be done. However, it’s essential to know when to bend the rules and roll with it when things go off script. Some days and weeks will be different, and that’s ok. When things have derailed, just try to get back on track when you can.

In conclusion, summer comes with its own challenges, but it is also a time to come together and make some incredible memories. You can set your children and yourself up for success by being prepared and intentional. While sibling rivalry is common, it does not have to have a place in your home. Enjoy!

*Photo Credit: Photo by Juan Salamanca