When Your Best Isn't Enough as a Therapist

Tasha Milligan
3 days ago
3 min read

Becoming a therapist is not for the faint of heart. Our job can be grueling. We come into this field to help and serve others. Sometimes it feels like our best isn't enough. Some of our clients are like wells that always run dry. There is never enough of us to fill the vacuum. We give and give, but it seems not enough for some. Perhaps the trauma is too deep. Or maybe they lack the desire to persevere and overcome. Often, it is due to a failed system that harms rather than helps. With children, it is often due to a deeply broken family system.

Sometimes this job is great! You find great joy in thinking about the lives that have been changed for the better. Those who did overcome and are now living happy, satisfied lives. The success stories keep you motivated to work hard.

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However, some stories may haunt you at night. The children who were sucked into the child protective services system were never heard from again. Or the family that feels threatened and pulls away from counseling when you learn that the child is not safe at home. Did they make it? Who was there to help in their darkest hour? What happened to the family with domestic violence? Did they make it out OK?

The difficult thing about what we do is the deep, heartfelt connection we have to our clients. If we are good at what we do, we love deeply. We treat our kids like our own. We carry their burdens and pour out our hearts so that they can live better lives. We are often rewarded with progress and fulfillment. But sometimes we are filled with deep grief and anguish. We hear experiences so private that no one else hears them. We know about the cries throughout the day and the terror by night.

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The darkest moments seem to be when we hear of the relapse, the separation, or the suicide that we couldn’t prevent. It can feel like failure. Despair. Deep-seated pain. We wanted to stop the runaway train, but were unable to do so.

The truth is, we often work with broken people who have significant problems. Despite our best efforts, we can’t always provide the happy ending we want for all of our clients. This could be attributed to many different issues, but devastating outcomes are always hard to process. People who are in pain often lash out and want someone to blame, and sometimes that is us. It can feel like betrayal. You give your best, yet are targeted or blamed for what you tried to prevent.

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Don’t give up! Don’t give in to the lies that you are the problem. If you had a lapse in judgment or poor boundaries, learn from it and move on. Don’t let it hold you back. While these devastating moments may make you feel like throwing in the towel, they are often the pressure we need to become stronger, smarter, and more motivated.

Sometimes success looks like a client fully recovering and overcoming their presenting problem. But sometimes it seems like sitting with someone in their darkest hour. They might continue the battle for years to come, but you were a stepping stone along the way to healing. There are also times when we give our best, and people choose to keep moving towards destruction. It is not YOUR choice, but THEIR choice. You decide to show up. You choose to work hard. You choose to offer hope, life, and support. Even when your best wasn’t enough for the outcome you desired, it may have been just what they needed in the moment.