Why Yelling at Your Kids Does NOT Work and What to Do Instead
- Tasha Milligan
- 1 day ago
- 5 min read
Yelling comes naturally to many, yet it is often unproductive and backfires. While it might light a fire under them and get them up and going in the moment, the long-term effects are usually not good. Children become resentful, become yellers themselves, or learn to ignore it. This leads to more frustration and can make you feel out of control. This article will help you learn why yelling doesn't work and what other parenting interventions you can use instead.
Why Yell?
Parents often yell to gain control when they feel out of control. Yelling is an attention-getter. It can shock your children enough to stop what they are doing, which can bring a sense of success. It is easy to feel out of control when kids are acting out. While yelling might feel like a good option, it can lead to more chaos.
Sometimes, parents yell to express their frustration. They feel out of control of their children's behavior and yell to release their pent-up emotions. This is problematic because it creates a cycle of emotional explosions from both parents and children. Children do what their parents do, which can spiral out of control. The child starts yelling, so the parent yells even more. It can become a mess!
Sometimes, yelling is all parents know how to do. If your parents were yellers, it might be normal and natural for you to yell. Parents often do what their parents did until they learn something new and better. I hope this article helps you find some new ideas!
Helpful Resource: Andy's Anger Explosions - A Book and Game for Anger
Consequences of Yelling
While we want our children to obey, we want them to do it for the right reasons. You might scare your child into obedience while their hearts seethe against you. Wouldn't it be better to have a warm, meaningful relationship with your child so that they will do what you ask because they love and respect you?
A strong attachment and trust in your relationship is the glue that keeps you together. Children will grow up and move on in life. If you have a strong attachment, they will want to come and spend time with you. Without attachment, they are biding their time until they are free to flee the coop. They may never look back.
Strong, secure attachments are built over time by showing respect, building trust, and caring deeply about their hearts. Yelling may get a response from your kids, but it is disrespectful and damaging to the relationship. No one likes to be yelled at. Ideally, your children will do what you ask because they respect you and trust that you are doing what is best for them.
Helpful Resource: Angry Birds Truth Bomb FREE Card Game
What To Do Instead of Yelling
Manage Your Emotions First: A disregulated adult cannot help regulate a disregulated child. This means you can't calm your child down if you are blowing up mad. Children will often follow your lead. If you are out of control, they will be, too. If you teach yourself to use coping skills to calm down, they will follow your lead. We should never ask our children to have more self-control than we have. This means you might have to walk away for a few minutes to get a grip so you can handle the situation positively.
Understand the Fight, Flight, or Freeze Response: When we are angry or scared, our bodies go into the fight, flight, or freeze response to protect ourselves. This means we are in survival mode, and our minds are thinking kill or be killed. We are not thinking rationally, and we cannot listen compassionately to others. Yelling triggers this response. Your kids may just hear bells ringing in their heads as you yell, unable to absorb the words you are saying.
First-Time Obedience: Teach your children to listen to you the first time you ask. Instead of yelling as punishment, let them face the consequences of their behavior. Don't count to three, don't give them warnings. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Teach your children the rules, and let them face the consequences when they break them.
Let's say your children are fighting over who gets to watch a show. You tell them if the fighting continues, no one gets to watch TV. If they continue fighting, unplug the TV or take the remote and enforce what you said. Avoid talking over them or rationalizing about it. Simply let them face the consequences. You are teaching your children to disobey your requests by offering multiple warnings and chances. There is no reason to wait until you say it three times.
Listen: Sometimes, we parents blow it by disciplining our kids without understanding the situation. We want our children to hear us, but they also want to be heard. This does not mean allowing your children to throw fits, manipulate, beg, or plead. It means listening to what caused the problem in the first place. This can help you help them. It is important for everyone to be calm and in control of their emotions before trying to talk things out.
Quiet Instead of Loud: Sometimes getting quiet and whispering can make kids quiet down so they can hear. Your calmness can help silence a tense situation. You can also utilize a whistle, clapping, or something of the sort to get attention, but not speak until they are listening. If they don't respond, impose consequences to remind them of the importance of first-time obedience.
Have Discernment: Not all situations are the same. Sometimes, your children will act out to get what they want or misbehave in defiance. Other times, they will be distressed and need your attention to help them cope with a difficult situation. You must be alert and tuned in as a parent to respond appropriately to your child's needs. My motto is to stay on the road and out of the ditches, meaning to avoid extremes in parenting. Don't get so focused on obedience that you miss your child's heart. Likewise, don't be so focused on making your child happy that you fail to set healthy boundaries and expectations.
In conclusion, there are many ways to reduce yelling but increase responsiveness in parenting. If you blow it now and then and yell, don't allow yourself to sink into shame. The goal is to make healthy steps day by day to improve the environment in your home. Everyone will miss the mark from time to time. The important thing is not to allow it to be your go-to communication method.
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