Why Yelling at Your Kids Doesn't Work and What to Do Instead

Tasha Milligan
Jan 22
4 min read

Updated: May 4

Why yelling at your kids doesn't work and what to do instead.

Yelling comes naturally to many parents, but it often backfires. While it might get your kids moving in the moment, the long-term effects can be harmful. Children may become resentful, start yelling themselves, or simply learn to ignore your commands. This leads to more frustration and can leave you feeling out of control. In this article, we’ll explore why yelling doesn’t work and share effective parenting strategies you can use instead.

Why Do Parents Yell?

Parents often resort to yelling when they feel overwhelmed. It’s an attention-getter that can momentarily shock your children into compliance. However, this can lead to more chaos in the long run.

Sometimes, parents yell out of frustration. They feel powerless over their children's behavior and unleash their pent-up emotions. This creates a cycle of emotional explosions from both sides. Kids often mirror their parents' behavior, which can escalate the situation. When a child yells, the parent may yell even louder, creating a messy dynamic.

For some, yelling is all they know. If your parents yelled, it might feel normal for you to do the same. Many parents repeat what they learned in childhood until they discover healthier alternatives. I hope this article helps you find new ideas!

The Consequences of Yelling

While we want our children to obey, we want them to do so for the right reasons. You might scare your child into compliance, but their resentment can simmer beneath the surface. Wouldn't it be better to cultivate a warm, meaningful relationship? Ideally, your children should want to follow your guidance because they love and respect you.

A strong attachment and trust in your relationship act as the glue that holds you together. Children will eventually grow up and move on. If you have a solid bond, they’ll want to spend time with you. Without that connection, they may be counting the days until they can leave, possibly never looking back.

Building strong, secure attachments takes time. It involves showing respect, building trust, and genuinely caring about your child's feelings. Yelling may elicit a response, but it’s disrespectful and damaging to your relationship. No one enjoys being yelled at. Ideally, your children should listen to you because they trust that you have their best interests at heart.

What to Do Instead of Yelling

Manage Your Emotions First

A disregulated adult can’t help a disregulated child. If you’re angry, you can’t expect your child to calm down. Kids often follow your lead. If you're out of control, they will be too. Teach yourself to use coping skills to calm down. They’ll follow your example. Sometimes, you may need to step away for a few minutes to regain your composure.

Understand the Fight, Flight, or Freeze Response

When we’re angry or scared, our bodies enter a survival mode. We think in terms of "kill or be killed," which clouds our judgment. Yelling triggers this response in children. They may hear noise but not absorb your words.

First-Time Obedience

Teach your children to listen the first time you ask. Instead of yelling as punishment, let them face the consequences of their actions. Avoid counting to three or giving multiple warnings. Let your "yes" be "yes" and your "no" be "no."

For example, if your kids are fighting over a show, tell them that if the fighting continues, no one gets to watch TV. If they keep arguing, unplug the TV or take the remote. Enforce your decision without talking over them. This teaches them that disobeying your requests has real consequences.

Listen

Sometimes, we discipline our kids without fully understanding the situation. We want them to hear us, but they also want to be heard. This doesn’t mean allowing tantrums or manipulation. It means listening to what caused the issue. Understanding the root of the problem can help you guide them better. Everyone should be calm before discussing the situation.

Quiet Instead of Loud

Sometimes, getting quiet and whispering can help kids calm down. Your calmness can diffuse a tense situation. You can also use a whistle or clap to get their attention without yelling. If they don’t respond, impose consequences to reinforce the importance of first-time obedience.

Have Discernment

Not all situations are the same. Sometimes, children act out to get what they want, while other times, they may be distressed and need your help. Stay alert and tuned in to respond appropriately to your child's needs. My motto is to stay on the road and out of the ditches. This means avoiding extremes in parenting. Don’t focus solely on obedience at the expense of your child’s emotional needs, and don’t prioritize their happiness over setting healthy boundaries.

Conclusion

There are many ways to reduce yelling while increasing responsiveness in parenting. If you slip up and yell occasionally, don’t let shame take over. The goal is to take healthy steps each day to improve your home environment. Everyone makes mistakes from time to time. The key is not to let yelling become your primary method of communication.