How to Help Children Develop a Healthy Sense of Self
- Tasha Milligan
- 5 days ago
- 5 min read
After many years of working with children, I have learned to gauge how secure a child's sense of self is by their responses to simple questions. After perculating this information for a while, I have developed a course of action to help move children from an insecure sense of identity to something more meaningful and concrete. Helping children develop a healthy sense of self is foundational to confidence and emotional well-being.
When I ask a child what makes him/her special, the responses help me know where they are on their identity development. If they say something like, "There is nothing special about me," I know we need to get to work and quickly! There are big problems, and the child is on a rocky foundation. However, if they respond with "I am really smart," or "I can do hard things," I know we are on the right track.
The identity development bullseye helps paint a picture of children's identity development. Peripheral outlying comments and negative self-talk statements don't even hit the board. They are indicators that a child is very insecure about who they are and lacks self-confidence in many ways.
The "I Have" category means that children respond with statements such as: "I'm special because I have new shoes," or "I'm special because I have the best Xbox." They identify with things they own, but not things that are part of them. This category is definitely better than the peripheral statements, but still indicates a weak sense of self.
Children who reply with "I Can" statements tend to have much more confidence. They would reply with statements such as "I can run fast," or "I can make beautiful art." They recognize some of their talents and abilities that set them apart from others. These children tend to be more resilient and will move much faster through the therapeutic process.
Ideally, we want to help children get to the bulleye - the "I Am" statements. These would be responses that get to the core of who they are. These statements would include, "I'm honest," or "I'm a leader," or "I am a great friend." As a therapist, I could say, "I am a therapist." However, it really misses the mark a little bit. The underlying truth is "I am a healer," "I am compassionate," "I love people deeply," and "I have great emotional strength." We want them to look beyond what they do to the core of who they are.
Helping children in this journey would be absolutely overwhelming and difficult without helpful tools! Fret not, I have you covered. Many of the books and games I have created are designed to help children through this identity development journey. Psychoeducation is key to helping children understand why they are the way they are and things they can do to improve their situation.
My primary approach in therapy is cognitive-behavioral therapy because it works! It is vital to learn ways to use CBT with children in a way they can process and understand. Pro tip: Children do not do well with talk therapy! I highly recommend learning some play interventions to help in the process. These books and games will prove highly beneficial to the process.
Helpful Books/Games:
I owe a debt of gratitude to the makers of Angry Birds. They provide the perfect metaphor for helping children learn self-talk. Angry Birds is my go-to game for using the characters as a physical representation of what happens in your mind when negative self-talk occurs, and how to replace negative self-talk with positive self-talk statements. Follow the link above for all the details.
This little book/game is near and dear to my heart. I 100% believe that everyone has gifts, talents, and character qualities that set them apart and make them special. The hard part is that you have to dig deep to find treasures. When kids tell me they don't have any special qualities, I reach for this resource. By the time they finish the game, they have almost always identified many positive qualities. It is a beautiful process to behold! The confidence and inspiration that bursts forth from them never ceases to amaze me.
Exploring personality types can lead to huge breakthroughs with children. Children will often recognize the differences between themselves and others, but not really get why. There are four main personality types, each with positive and negative traits. When they learn why they are compelled to do what they do, it will shine light on underlying needs. Understanding the personality types of others can also lead to breakthroughs in relationships.
The concept of multiple intelligences is underutilized and often unrecognized. I can't tell you how many children I have worked with over the years who were convinced they were dumb because they struggled in school. This book and game help teach children about many different ways intelligence shines and how each person is needed in a thriving community.
This game draws on the metaphor that your heart is like a garden. It is often full of weeds (negative self-talk) that need to be dug up. You then want to plant the garden with beautiful flowers and fruitful things (positive self-talk). It helps children learn how to recognize self-talk, rescript self-talk statements, and to be intentional about what they focus on. I created a companion FREE eBook to go with it. It alludes to body image to help children embrace their individual characteristics.
You might also look into:
Thoughts on Trial - This book and game help children to have a courtroom in their mind to evaluate if self-talk is true or false.
The Comparison Game - The comparison game is the game you can never win. You either feel superior to others and come across as arrogant, or you feel inferior and feel insecure. Either way, it will cause problems with how you feel about yourself and others.
Spirit of the Tribe - This game is all about finding your people. Kids will learn what to look for in relationships to find people they can feel secure with.
The Wishing Well - Sometimes people don't know where they are going or what they want in life. This game helps identify goals and guide kids in taking steps towards reaching them.
Other Helpful Identity Development Interventions:
Make an "All About Me" Collage
There are many ways to create collages to show a child's favorite things and abilities. I like this as a way to artistically portray their qualities, but you could also cut out pictures and paste them to a poster board.
Create Islands of Personality
You can utilize the Islands of Personality concept from Inside Out to help kids identify the core values that make them who they are. Be sure to check out my blog post on creative Inside Out interventions. There are LOTS of great CBT ideas on there.
Mirror Self-Esteem Craft
This is a cute, free printable template for a craft to help children develop positive self-talk. This would be great to use with littles.
Power in Play
Don't forget the therapeutic powers of play that show up when you engage in classic play interventions. I will often use sand tray, puppets, dolls, and toys to help children process from a safe place. There are many powerful ways to help children discover who they are.
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