Understanding Anger in Children: Causes and Strategies for Parents

Tasha Milligan
May 1
6 min read

Anger outbursts and aggression are some of the most common reasons parents bring their children in for counseling in my practice. It is unnerving to see your child in distress and attacking those around him or her. Many parents try everything they can think of, but feel stuck in the same cycles over and over.

There are many reasons children lash out in anger. This article will discuss many factors that lead children to anger and things you can do to help them overcome their anger explosions. The good news is that the more children learn about their bodies and emotions, the more control they will gain over them. With time, they will become pros at recognizing their triggers, communicating their needs, and taking time to calm down before reacting to a situation. You’d be shocked at the dramatic changes I have seen in children, sometimes in just a few weeks!

Big Feelings Without Understanding Them

Children come with huge emotions, but emotional regulation is a learned skill. The first step is building an emotional vocabulary. Children need to learn words that express emotions to communicate how they feel to others. Feelings charts can be helpful, as they give a visual representation that children can identify with.

Playing Feelings Candy Land is my favorite way to teach children how to communicate their feelings. I created a free printable PDF download that explains how to play it. Each time a player lands on red, they will say, “I feel angry when…” and they will tell about a time they were angry. Each color represents a different feeling. This teaches them to use assertive communication by using “I statements.” This means that instead of blaming others for how they feel, they take personal ownership and share an experience. This also provides an outlet for letting out pent-up emotions.

I like to explain to children that there is a gap between their brains and hearts. Their brains are where they can think through things and understand them, and their hearts are where they feel them. Their mouths are right in the middle. As you talk about how you feel, you can make sense of the emotions and finally feel better about them. (Check out Mario's Emotional Knot. It is all about this concept!)

How to Calm Big Emotions: A Book and Game About Coping Skills

Check Engine Light Approach

Your emotions are like the check engine light on your car. They are there to tell you something is wrong and must be addressed. Once you fix the problem, the light goes off. I have concluded that people have their typical outlets for feelings of stress. Some get angry, some get anxious, and some get depressed. The underlying issues are typically the same, but we all process things a little bit differently.

When a child shows big emotions, it can help to figure out what they need to feel better. Is there a boundary that needs to be communicated? Are there past hurts that need to be addressed? Is your child thinking irrationally and coming to negative conclusions? What do they believe about themselves and others? Correcting unhealthy patterns of thinking can solve a lot of problems! Once you determine the root cause of the problem, you can put together a game plan for how to fix it.

The Fight, Flight, or Freeze Response

Everyone has a built-in mechanism to protect them from harm. This fight, flight, or freeze response turns on when you are either angry or scared. Your blood starts pumping to your hands and feet, heart rate increases, and you are ready to do whatever you have to do to survive. The problem is that the rational part of your brain turns off when this happens. That is why they make terrible decisions and then say they don’t know why they did it.

Using coping skills can turn off the fight, flight, or freeze response. Countless options can help. One of the best is slow, deep breathing. This means breathing in for at least 5 seconds, holding it for 5 seconds, and then breathing out slowly. This counteracts the fight, flight, or freeze response and tells your body you are safe.

Body awareness is important when learning to control this response. Everyone will get different body signals for it, but they tell you that it is time to take action to turn off the response before you get yourself in trouble. Most people will feel an increased heart rate, ball-up fists, red cheeks, and a tight stomach. Many people will get additional signals that let them know it is time to get control. I get ringing in my ears. I typically cannot hear what others say when triggered, which makes communication very difficult.

It is best to help children calm this response before trying to talk to them. You can do this by instructing them on slow, deep breathing and offering reassuring words. Another key is removing them from the trigger. If your child is angry because their brother stole their toy, standing between them or directing your child away from the brother can help reduce the response. Your brain knows it when you are close enough for a fight. Once that danger is removed, it is much easier to calm down.

Anger Outbursts Can Be a Learned Behavior

Children will typically do what they see, not what they are told to do. They learn from others and mirror what they see others do. How do you handle anger? Do you see similarities between what you do and what your child does? This behavior may be learned from a sibling, at daycare, or at school. It is vital to demonstrate to your child what you want them to do. Your child will likely follow your lead if you can model appropriate emotional regulation.

While you can’t control what happens outside your home, you can control what happens in it. Toddlers and preschoolers will often pick up on the behaviors of others at daycare or playdates and mimic them. As long as your child is learning how to process their emotions in a healthy way, these behaviors will typically not stick. The most significant predictor for outcomes for children is how their parents handle emotions. If you struggle, do not fret. You can learn, too! I have found that families that are engaged in the therapy process usually grow and learn together, and they all benefit from it. If you are willing to learn, you can break free from unhealthy ways of processing emotions.

Another way to model health behaviors is to use "redos" as a parenting technique. This means that instead of going straight to consequences for behavior problems, have your child redo the situation with the response you desire. For instance, if your child runs into the house and leaves the front door open, tell them to go back to the door, shut it, and then walk calmly into the house. This demonstration of your expectations will stick a lot better than a time-out. You can also role-play desired tones of voice, mannerisms, communication skills, and much more.

Diet

The American diet is terrible for children! While obesity rates are soaring, malnutrition is also on the rise. The problem is that kids are getting way too much junk food and not enough nutrients. Your body requires specific vitamins and minerals to work correctly. When the nutrition is not there, things start to short-circuit. A quick way to start is to make sure your child gets vitamins and healthy food to get them back on track.

Another underlying issue is that there are tons of chemicals in the food we eat, and our bodies are not able to process them. They wreak havoc on gut health, which is involved in just about every other vital body function. I have seen tremendous changes in children by cutting out junk food and eating healthy, nutritious food.

Conclusion

There are many different factors leading to anger outbursts in kids. It is best to take a holistic approach to overcoming anger. It will take some work to learn new skills, create a coping plan, and make a warm, calm environment at home, but you can do it! It might feel like you are stuck, but it doesn’t have to stay that way.

Do you need some extra guidance on how to help your children stop intrusive negative thoughts or build their emotional vocabulary? I have over 70 books and games available for all different issues, some specific to anger management. I also have many free resources to help with the process. Be sure to surf the site and find the resources that would be most beneficial for you!